How shitty is too shitty?

Question of virtue: is there a maritime-themed movie that is too shitty to watch? Or, more urgently for someone in my current position, too shitty to watch instead of Sportscenter? Starting in a few minutes on cable:



1996's Down Periscope. Kelsey Grammar was high as a newborn kitten on cocaine during the production, filming, release, and mastering-to-DVD of this movie, and I can't say I dissaprove of that - the 90's were fucking awesome, and I think it was as good a time to celebrate as any. (Don't forget: crazy-fucked-up New Year's party at the GCB begins in T-minus-13-days, and counting.) But I don't know if I can live with myself if I watch this movie. Lord knows I saw it when it came out on VHS. Did I not do my part then?

World's tallest man saves plastic eating dolphins

Sharks around the world are chuckling.



BEIJING, China (AP) -- The long arms of the world's tallest man reached in and saved two dolphins by pulling out plastic from their stomachs, state media and an aquarium official said Thursday.

The dolphins got sick after nibbling on plastic from the edge of their pool at an aquarium in Liaoning province.

Attempts to use surgical instruments to remove the plastic failed because the dolphins' stomachs contracted in response to the instruments, the China Daily newspaper reported.

Veterinarians then decided to ask for help from Bao Xishun, a 7-feet-9 herdsman from Inner Mongolia with 41.7-inch arms, state media said.

Bao, 54, was confirmed last year by the Guinness Book of World Records as the world's tallest living man.

Chen Lujun, the manager of the Royal Jidi Ocean World aquarium, told The Associated Press that the shape of the dolphins' stomachs made it difficult to push an instrument very far in without hurting the animals.

People with shorter arms could not reach the plastic, he said.

"When we failed to get the objects out we sought the help of Bao Xishun from Inner Mongolia and he did it successfully yesterday," Chen said. "The two dolphins are in very good condition now."

Photographs showed the jaws of one of the dolphins being held back by towels so Bao could reach inside the animal without being bitten.

"Some very small plastic pieces are still left in the dolphins' stomachs," Zhu Xiaoling, a local doctor, told Xinhua. "However the dolphins will be able to digest these and are expected to recover soon."

Pleasure-Seeking Sirenian or Manhandled Manatee?

Friends, a website has come to my attention that demands our attention. Yes, I speak of the (apparently) wildly popular www.hornymanatee.com. Who is better qualified than LEVIATHAN to weigh in on pressing questions of maritime ethics such as the one posed by the existence of this website purporting to show the bedroom (sic) antics of our sirenian sistern?



The questions multiply like fields of krill: are these manatees consenting participants? have they signed the necessary releases? just what is the age of consent for a manatee? if, as is evident to the careful observer, these images do not depict real manatees but manatee-impersonators, do they fall under the same legal sanctions as pseudo-child pornography? just who consumes these images and to what end(s)?

Comrades, colleagues: if not us, then who?

The Talented Mr. Donkey?

I watched The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999) last night, and was quite impressed with the murder scene. The killing would make an excellent solution in Clue: Ripley, with an oar, in a small motorboat floating in an empty blue expanse of the Ligurian Sea.



The image of Ripley embracing Greenleaf's corpse as the boat drifts is arresting, and the whole business reminds me of the great history of "small boats" in American fiction: Stephen Crane's "The Open Boat," The Old Man and the Sea, and that little boat you ride in Mario 3. I've also been led to re-interpret the significance of a beloved (though impermanent) Providence icon:



This ominous equine's calm frame (supported by even calmer seas) betrays some dark secret, I'm sure, just as calm seas usually betray some turmoil beneath.

Also, wanted to give a shout-out to the fantastic Purple Noon (1960), which is an adaptation of the same Ripley novel. Greenleaf's yacht is brilliant in Purple Noon - a kind of floating stage for many of the film's memorable scenes, including the murder. And it has an awesome Captain's wheel!



This begs the question: what is the greatest cinematic boat (broadly construed)? My nominees: the "Orca" from Jaws, the patrol boat from Apocalypse Now, and the amphibious train from Spirited Away:

Are the "Snorks" retarded?

A long and frustrating late-night Googling session (in search of that Glade air freshener commercial with the cartoon octopus) found me face to face with my childhood friends the "Snorks."



Now like most of my favorite childhood cartoons (Gummi Bears, Thundercats, that one where the guy turns into a car), I'm pretty sure my preference for the Snorks was based only on the fact that the other things on at 5:30 in the morning on a Saturday were worse. The Snorks, for those who don't know, are a horrible underwater version of the Smurfs. (Both come from Belgium.) One serious issue with the Snorks is whether one can accept them, given the fact that they lamely ante-date the Smurfs. In general, I am against anything but the original version: Allan Quatermain, "third wave" feminism, and the Wendy's 99 cent chicken sandwich, to name a few.

The real reason The Snorks sucks, though, is that the Snorks are just a bunch of snotty American teenagers, instead of European eco-communists. As if in the real world anything could ever get worse by putting it underwater. The whole business is pretty shameful.