Oscar -- land lubber?

George Clooney made a joke without reading the teleprompter. If you tell your girlfriend you want to have a threesome with Daniel Craig, she will love you forever. Ennio Morricone is every bit as weird as his music makes him out to be.

These are lessons to live by, but what is up with Oscar's snub of our beloved Leviathan films? Our only respite was the nominiation of Poseidon for Achievement in Visual Effects -- and this, I submit, is hardly enough. Has Hollywood turned its artifically-tanned, Tai-Bo-sculpted back on the movies of the sea?

We've had infrequent success at the "Academy" "Awards" -- for best picture in '43 with merman-manatee-human-squid Peter Lorre's stunning Casablanca (with passable support from Bogart and some floozy), and again in '54 and '57 for On the Waterfront and The Bridge on the River Kwai. And since then? As little recognition as a Great White Shark gives a Scallop. Hollywood's elite traded water -- whether salty or fresh -- in favor of champagne, whiskey, red wine, Pomegranate juice, or Woody Harrelson's oxygen bar.

And so I watched last night's spectacle with mild disgust, as victory was awarded to a film set in Boston which failed to visit its beloved Aquarium. Jack Nicholson dressed as a seal, though, which was compensation -- perhaps even compensation enough to make up for the Academy's historical and continuing neglect of the cinema of the deep (although it is hard to expect more from those who define themselves as the ultimately and absolutely shallow).

Sweet Jesus!

Fishermen caught a 39-ft., 990-lb. "colossal squid" off the southern coast of New Zealand today. (Apparently "colossal" is now a scientific designation. Colossal squid, also known as "husky squid" and "full-figured squid," are roughly the same length as their giant cousins, but weigh considerably more.)

To any LEVIATHANites heading into these hostile southern waters, keep your wits about you--the Colossal Squid lies in wait!

Dolphins and Sea Lions May Get the Call to Defend Northwest Base

Zak, a 375-pound sea lion, leaping back into a boat after his harbor patrol training exercises in the waters off the coast of Bahrain in 2003.

A fabulous newsflash Yes, at last the Navy has discovered how to harness the power of marine life to defend our coastlines and make the waters safe for democracy. Was this move inspired by The Day of the Dolphin?

I am particularly a fan of the way the sea lion pictured (above) is named Zak. Has a certain LEVIATHANian been shape-shifting AND moonlighting? These questions must be answered.

Note also how the sea lions and dolphins were used to keep San Diego safe during the GOP convention of 1996. Who knew that Bob Dole was protected by sea lions? Do you think this means he is a sea lion? Does he sing to them, late at night?

Dolphins and Sea Lions May Get the Call to Defend Northwest Base

By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

SAN DIEGO, Feb. 12 (AP) — Dozens of dolphins and sea lions trained to detect and apprehend waterborne attackers may be sent to patrol a military base in Washington State, the Navy said Monday.

In a notice published in this week’s Federal Register, the Navy said it needed to bolster security at Naval Base Kitsap-Bangor, on the Puget Sound close to Seattle.

The base is home to submarines, ships and laboratories and is vulnerable to attack by swimmers and scuba divers, the notice states.

Several options are under consideration, but the preferred plan would be to send up to 30 California sea lions and Atlantic bottlenose dolphins from the Navy’s Marine Mammal Program, based in San Diego.

“These animals have the capabilities for what needs to be done for this particular mission,” said Tom LaPuzza, a spokesman for the Marine Mammal Program.

Mr. LaPuzza said that because of their astonishing sonar abilities, dolphins were excellent at patrolling for swimmers and divers. When a Navy dolphin detects a person in the water, it drops a beacon. This tells a human interception team where to find the suspicious swimmer.

Dolphins are also trained to detect underwater mines; they were sent to do this in the Iraqi harbor of Umm Qasr in 2003. The last time the animals were used operationally in San Diego was in 1996, when they patrolled the bay during the Republican National Convention.

Sea lions can carry in their mouths special cuffs attached to long ropes. If the animal finds a rogue swimmer, it can clamp the cuff around the person’s leg. The individual can then be reeled in for questioning.

The Navy is seeking public comment for an environmental impact statement on the proposal.

The Navy wanted to deploy marine animals to the Northwest in 1989, but a federal judge sided with animal rights activists concerned about the effects of cooler water and about how the creatures would affect the environment. Water in the Puget Sound is about 10 degrees cooler than water in San Diego Harbor, which has an average temperature of 58 degrees, Mr. LaPuzza said.

Since then, the Navy has taken the dolphins and sea lions to cold-water places like Alaska and Scandinavia to see how they cope.

“They did very well,” Mr. LaPuzza said.

If sent to Washington, the dolphins would be housed in heated enclosures and would patrol the bay only for periods of about two hours.

Stephanie Boyles, a marine biologist and spokeswoman for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, said that sea mammals did not provide a reliable defense system, and that they should not be kept in small enclosures.

“We believe the United States’ citizens deserve the very best defense possible, and this just isn’t it,” Ms. Boyles said.

Dolphins can live as long as 30 years. Mr. LaPuzza said the Navy occasionally gave its retired animals to marine parks but generally kept them until they died of old age.

The Navy has been training marine mammals since the 1960s and keeps about 100 dolphins and sea lions. Most are in San Diego, but about 20 are deployed at Naval Submarine Base Kings Bay, Ga.

The Navy hopes to reduce its marine mammal program and replace the animals with machines, Mr. LaPuzza said, “but the technology just isn’t there yet.”

“The value of the marine mammals is we’ve been doing this for 35 years, and we’ve ironed out all the kinks,” he said.

Bull shark attacks boat; captain weeps like little girl.

Florida news reports that the "crew of a shrimping boat had to be rescued after a shark took out the ship’s propeller":

Captain Roger Schmall said a group of sharks had been slamming into the Christy Nichole’s hull for four days, the News-Press of Fort Myers reported. But then a 14-foot bull shark broke the boat’s tail shaft, leaving Schmall and his crew of two adrift about 100 miles off the coast.

“It’s pretty scary when you’re sitting there and you got all that water coming in,” Schmall said.

What more can you expect from a man named Captain Schmall?? I would have eaten his propeller myself. Schmall indeed. Do they let just any weenie captain a boat these days?

The bull shark: doesn't sweat the Schmall stuff.

Paraglider vs. Eagle.

Maybe it's the DayQuil talking,¹, but I'm so tickled by this story about a pair of wild eagles attacking a paraglider in Australia. Reuters reports:

Britain's top female paraglider has cheated death after being attacked by a pair of "screeching" wild eagles while competition flying in Australia.

Nicky Moss, 38, watched terrified as two huge birds began tearing into her parachute canopy, one becoming tangled in her lines and clawing at her head 2,500 meters (8,200ft) in the air.

...

"It swooped in and hit me on the back of the head, then got tangled in the glider which collapsed it. So I had a very, very large bird wrapped up screeching beside me as I screamed back," Moss said.

The wedge-tailed eagle of Australia: "the shark of the air."

I love the image of traded screeches and screams nearly a thousand feet in the air; it's so Man Bites Panda After Panda Bites Man. And if it is true, as the article suggests, that the eagles attacked after mistaking the paraglider "as a bird intruder," one cannot but admire the avian approach to homeland security. Wedge-tailed eagles may have a wing-span of two meters, but think of what kind of bird a paraglider would look like. I think veteran Australian paraglider pilot Godfrey Wenness says it best as he points out that "eagle attacks were rare, but Moss had been flying in an area where the birds were not accustomed to human pilots":

"Eagles are the sharks of the air. But if you're a regular they just treat you pretty indifferently," he said.

That's right, bitches. The sharks of the air. None of this "they're more afraid of you than you are of them" nonsense; glide through their neighborhood like you own the place and these birds will fuck you up.

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¹I have a lot of DayQuil pumping through my system right now, as a low-grade flu-like thing from the weekend has decayed into a high-grade head cold. Despite the drugs, my throat hurts, my head hurts, my face hurts, even my snot hurts, and there is a lot of the latter. It's Monday morning and I am thoroughly disgusting.

[x-posted to the Procrastination Salon]

Parody for the Corsairs

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